


Let’s Have Intercourse

by funidontlikeyoueither



Category: Glee
Genre: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (TV) References, Dalton Academy, Don't copy to another site, Fluff, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Minor Angst, Serenading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:27:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26448541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/funidontlikeyoueither/pseuds/funidontlikeyoueither
Summary: At the Warbler reunion, things take a not-so-surprising turn.
Relationships: Kurt Hummel/Sebastian Smythe
Comments: 22
Kudos: 81





	Let’s Have Intercourse

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspiration:  
> ‘Let’s Have Intercourse’ from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend  
> Enjoy whatever the hell this mess is

Nope. Kurt had to be imagining things- there was no time, no place, no alternate universe, where he would ever find _Sebastian Smythe_ attractive. _It’s just the uniform_ , he told himself over and over. Despite his enemy (former enemy? It had been a while since they had last seen each other and he had no idea where they stood) having learnt how to use the right amount of hair gel, and was somehow _more_ muscular, Kurt still did not find Sebastian attractive. That uniform, however… now that could do wonders for anyone.

When Kurt had first been invited to the Warbler reunion, he was a little on the fence. While he found it sweet that the Warblers still considered him a friend, and he wanted nothing more than to do a group number with people who actually knew how to share the spotlight, he didn’t want to see Blaine. His ex-boyfriend would definitely use the opportunity to try and mend the broken bond between them and Kurt wasn’t sure if he would have the strength to resist. 

But luckily for him, Blaine had decided to take a trip to LA the same week as the reunion, meaning that Kurt was safe to have an ex-free time.

But up until that heart-stopping moment where blue eyes met green, Kurt had completely forgotten about Sebastian. And how hot that uniform looked on him. 

_Not him_ , Kurt reminded himself, _all of the Warblers_.

He looked around the room lustfully, eyeing up all of the well-dressed guys. Ever since the devastating breakup, he hadn’t managed to get laid. All he needed was a simple hookup and he would go back to looking at Sebastian with the same amount of disgust and hatred as before.

He approached Nick and Jeff cockily (a threeway was never off the table), winking at the two of them. “Hey, guys.”

“Hey, Kurt,” Nick replied, giving Jeff a side look. 

“What?” Kurt tilted his head, looking between the two boyfriends for answers. 

“Just…” Jeff cleared his throat. “Since when have you and Smythe been a thing?”

“What?!” Kurt’s voice was almost as high as it had been in _It’s All Over_. “We are _not_ a thing.”

“Oh, sorry. Are you just sleeping together?” Jeff tried to correct.

" _No!_ "

“Sorry, it was me who assumed it,” Nick explained. “It’s just the two of you have been staring… sexually… at each other, like, all night.”

“We- No!” Kurt stammered, blushing heavily. To make matters worse, at that very moment, a certain green-eyed meerkat approached the threesome. 

“‘Sup, guys.” Sebastian flashed his signature smirk, giving a particular long glance at Kurt. 

“Sebastian,” Kurt drawled, curling his lip.

“Kurt.”

“You could cut the sexual tension here with a knife,” Nick muttered to his boyfriend.

“Speaking of which,” Sebastian took a long sip of the drink he was holding, “there’s something I wanted to tell you, Kurt.”

“What?” Kurt threw him an unimpressed look.

Sebastian smirked yet again and pressed his lips up Kurt’s ear. He whispered something in his ear, something _very_ suggestive, something that made Kurt slap the glass straight out of Sebastian’s hand, spilling the beer all over Sebastian’s shirt and blazer.

“Whoa!” Jeff and Nick exclaimed, holding onto each other so protectively, almost as if they had been the ones Kurt had nearly hit.

“Screw you!” Kurt yelled, gathering the rest of the Warblers attention.

“Well, sweetheart,” Sebastian said, completely unaffected by Kurt’s outburst, “from your reaction there, it seems like you won’t.”

Kurt drew in a sharp breath but controlled himself. 

“If you don’t mind, I’m going to go change,” Sebastian continued.

“My room is closer,” Jeff said. “I’ll lend you a shirt.”

Sebastian nodded at him, and as the couple walked out of the hall, Nick turned to Kurt. 

“Was what he said _that_ bad?”

Kurt nodded aggressively. “I mean, I knew he was disgusting, but,” he shuddered, “if he thinks stuff like that, no wonder he thought that Blaine and I were vanilla.”

Nick chuckled. “You _are_ vanilla.”

“No, I’m not!”

“No offence, but Blaine told us that he had to go to your dad to tell him to give you the sex talk because you knew _nothing_ about it.”

“He _what_?!”

*

So, as it, unfortunately, turned out, it wasn’t just the uniform that made Sebastian so freaking gorgeous. Even in an old Eiffel Tower shirt and sweatpants, Sebastian seemed _really_ attractive to Kurt. And it was a problem.

As much as Kurt tried to tell himself that it was all the fact that he hadn’t been laid in a while, he knew that wasn’t the case. Because there was a certain Warbler who was somewhat on Sebastian’s level of hotness, but he did nothing for Kurt. 

So, when the Warblers decided to call it a night, Kurt made a beeline to the huge double doors. He almost had sweet freedom when Jeff grabbed his arm, dragging him over to where Nick was standing with Sebastian.

“You two can clean this place up,” Nick told them.

“‘And maybe sort out whatever issues you guys have,” Jeff added, before taking his boyfriend’s hand and leaving the two enemies (Kurt had decided that was what they were after Sebastian’s crude comments) alone together.

“I think it’s the best for me to handle the glasses,” Sebastian teased. “I don’t think Jeff would appreciate you getting anything on his shirt.”

Kurt muttered a quiet, “Shut up” and started to stack up the plates that were littering the tables. 

Though he would continue to deny it for the rest of his life, Kurt did occasionally spend a little too much time checking out Sebastian when he was bent over picking trash off the floor.

When his back was turned, Kurt muttered, “I’m sorry about earlier. I may have overreacted a tiny bit. You were kind of right, anyway. I have been staring at you and checking you out. But it doesn’t matter; you’re just a tiny bit attractive to me, and we’re both single and-“ he turned around to see Sebastian staring at him, that stupid smirk on his face.

“There probably was a better way that I could have gone at it,” Sebastian said.

“Like how?”

Sebastian tossed the garbage bag to the side and sang, while never losing eye contact with Kurt, 

_Unfortunately, I want to have sex with you_

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Where is the music even coming from?!”

_I don't know what happened, maybe you lost the gay face_

“God, you know how to woo a guy,” Kurt sighed.

_For some reason, you're now on the top of my to-do list_

“Classy.”

_Let's get this over with,_

_So I can focus on other tasks_

Sebastian wrapped his arm around Kurt’s waist and he pulled the boy in closer.

_Let's have intercourse_

Kurt couldn’t help but shake with laughter.

_Just pretend I'm seducing you_

_Come on, let's quickly have intercourse_

“Quickly, huh?”

_So I can move on with my life_

_My busy life_

“I bet you’re busy.” Kurt allowed himself to be spun around by Sebastian. “Busy annoying me.”

_You and I are both highly intelligent people_

“Was that a compliment, Smythe?”

_Although I'm in much better physical shape_

“There we go.”

_Once we do it, it'll be like, ‘Well, that's what that was like’_

“Obviously.”

 _And you'll hopefully go back to seeming weird to me_.

“Hah!” Kurt jumped onto the table, throwing his arms around Sebastian. He had to admit, it felt nice. It was way different than when Blaine serenaded people using inappropriate songs.

_But right now let's have intercourse_

_I mean, obviously you want to, too_

Kurt tilted his head a little to the side and shrugged.

_Just super quickly have intercourse_

_You could use the experience_

Kurt was too tied up in Sebastian’s angelic voice to point out the fact that he had had sex with 2 whole guys.

_Sometimes my body wants things that my mind does not_

_My body wants things that make my mind go ‘Uh, body, what?’_

“Excuse me? I am a catch!”

_We're animals, it's unfortunate_

_So come on, let's contortion it_

“No surprise that you know what that word means.”

 _I won't be back to normal till I see what your nipples look like_.

“Oh my God.”

_They're probably straightforward nipples_

“Yes, they are!”

_I won't know for sure_

At that comment, Kurt ripped off his shirt in record time and gave Sebastian a face that said, “See? Normal nipples.” 

Sebastian grinned, copying Kurt’s action. 

_Until we stop wasting time talking 'bout it_

_And we super quickly, it’ll only take a second, have intercourse_

“Only a second? That’s relieving.”

_Let's have intercourse._

_Good thing I happen to have an old condom in my wallet_

Kurt threw his head back and laughed. “Yeah,” he breathed.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> Requests for one-shots are open ❤️


End file.
